Truth be told, I like my job – cooking food at Putters – but recently it has taken up so much of my time that I haven’t really been able to get a grip on school or anything else, especially my walk with God. It’s not so much that I’ve been side-tracked into a life of perpetual sin; it’s more so that I’ve lost, or I have trouble finding, the sense of a higher calling. With work taking up at least 20 hours of each week and school taking up about the same, this term has gone by so quickly that material from the first week has blurred with material from this week and the two weeks in between. It’s gone by so fast that I don’t think I’ve truly found my footing. I feel like I’ve just been existing and going through the motions.
As a consequence, I think, I’ve lost a little of the spiritual drive. I don’t write as much as I used to and I’m finding it difficult to even muster the drive to write. I also don’t read Scripture as much anymore and that’s much harder to muster the drive for. Merely existing in this life has been so passion-less. It feels as though there isn’t a purpose for my life, that there isn’t a story that God is writing through me. It feels like this is the best as life gets for me; working part time and barely getting passing grades. It doesn’t feel like I have something bigger to accomplish in life and I miss that feeling.
Granted you can’t always rely on that feeling to be there, to drive you through the boring and mundane moments, but I haven’t felt this feeling in a long time. There have been moments where I feel like writing, but it’s mostly writing stuff into my journal or maybe a blog or two. It hasn’t been the big, writing-a-book desire that I’ve had throughout the last couple of years. The desire was gone before I got the job, but ever since I have had the job it’s been getting further and further from me. Back when I was thinking about law school, it wasn’t about law school as the life-defining story; law school was merely the possible avenue through which my life-defining story would be told.
That’s how I saw it anyway.
I’m not saying that I need the idea of law school to keep me moving forward; I’m just saying that it was a catalyst through which my passion for writing, my passion for God, my passion for making something of my life thrived. It just feels that I don’t have that anymore.
And that feeling – that void – sucks.
I’m not suddenly going to quit my job or quit school, because in reality I need both. But I think I desperately need some time to find my footing. I think I need to cut all the minor distractions of the internet, of TV, of randomly hanging out with friends (all the small things that seem to add up rather quickly) and seek God, refocus my heart and soul onto Him, and let Him reveal to me what He wants me to do with the life He’s given me. And I should probably catch up on homework, too.
With as difficult as life has been these past few weeks, a proper grounding in a God-honoring lifestyle is absolutely essential. The few moments of prayer, writing, and Scripture-reading that I’ve had have helped to get me by, but barely. Even though I’ve had those little moments, I still worry about what’s going to happen when I graduate, what’s going to happen when I make a move for a professional job, or if I’ll ever meet a girl I could marry. These things might seem frivolous to many and you might say, “Well, you shouldn’t have to worry about those things; God’s got you covered,” but no matter how many times I’ve been told this, the feeling doesn’t go away. It doesn’t evaporate.
What does go away, though, is the anxiety’s influence on how I conduct my life. Whether or not I choose to let these worries control how I live my day to day is determined by whether or not I trust in God. Telling me to trust Him doesn’t do it; seeking the one-on-one relationship with God, like a son to a Father, does.
That’s what changes everything.
That’s what gives us the firm footing in our faith.
That’s what allows us to be who we were meant to be.