As my last post suggested, I’ve been longing for the desire to write. Throughout this term it’s been hard for me to feel inspired to write and it’s been hard to find the time to write. But while folding my laundry this afternoon, I realized that whether or not I feel the desire to write, I need to write. I’d go crazy without it.
While going through towels, matching up all my socks, searching for the missing ones, and wondering why one shirt was smaller than the rest, I was thinking through a bunch of things going on in my life, specifically in regards to dating/marriage. I was evaluating, mainly, my emotional and spiritual state this year in comparison to three or four years ago. I acknowledged the many trust issues I have with seeking companionship (i.e. being let down or broken-hearted in some fashion) and I recognized that, although it’s probably going to be a while before I start dating any girl, I’ve made leaps and bounds from where I once was. And at some point during my laundry-folding, I became aware of the fact that I was talking to myself.
This is exactly why I need to write.
I’d go crazy.
This world does not need another crazy person; we’ve got plenty already.
What was also revealed to me in that moment, though, is that I need to talk these things out, too. I believe that’s why I started talking; because so many thoughts were filling my mind that they’d be overwhelming if I didn’t vent them out for a minute or two. And in recognizing the human need for friendships and relationships (not necessarily the dating kind), I recognized that I haven’t been very good at opening myself up to my friends.
I’m more likely to write about why I have a hard time trusting people through my blog (like right now) than I am to talk about the same thing with one of my closest friends. And while it’s a good thing in the sense that I’m at least sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone; it’s still not quite as good as it could be since I’m not talking through this, since I’m not communicating with my friends and family. I’ve written elsewhere that I have a hard time engaging people and that I have a tendency to just tune them out as background noise, but I think the kind of community that Jesus wants us to be a part of is something beyond merely talking with each other; I think He wants us to be feeling with each other, praying over our emotions with each other, and basically being a family with each other, operating as a single unit, a single body, a single bride.
In order to truly operate as a single unit, a single church, not only do we have to set aside our differences, but we have to open ourselves up. And this is where I discover how much further along in the faith I am now than I was three years ago; I recognize my difficulty to truly open up. I’ve shared my doubts about God, my struggles with pornography, and my stress with certain jobs and employers, but I rarely talk about the deeper issues of why I don’t trust people, even the people that are closest to me. I rarely open up about why I don’t feel safe in talking about girls, talking about socializing, or talking about why I’m quiet most of the time. Perhaps I’m thinking too far into it, but I believe there’s an undefined reason as to why I don’t like to talk that much, especially about the deeper issues.
It might have something to do with my dad not being there or some other reason, but my point is this; talking about these issues with the friends who have trusted me is probably the only way I’m ever going to overcome those issues. Writing about them keeps me from talking to myself and thereby keeping me from going crazy, but I think I need to talk about them more than anything. I think I just need to start speaking out about what’s holding me back from engaging God and engaging His people.
Without realizing it until today, I’m much further along in my walk with God than I was three years ago. Yeah, that makes sense as a general statement, but what I mean is, I’ve overcome more things than I realized two days ago. You see, walking with God isn’t just about gaining a greater knowledge of His wisdom and of His Word, but overcoming the deeply imbedded side effects of human sin. It’s because of the existence of sin that the world has its many issues. And it’s because of the existence of sin that you and I have our own personal pains, problems and flaws. Walking with God, however, cures those.
To swing back to what I was talking to myself about earlier, I don’t think I’m ready to date a girl for a while. Why? Because, well, of all of the above. I’m a very closed person emotionally and until I find the courage to overcome my discomfort and my distrust of other people, I don’t believe that I’ll be close enough to any girl to start dating her. It kind of sounds depressing, I know, but I actually look at it as a positive thing – that I’m going through this whole emotional stuff as a process of growing with God, of growing in my faith, of growing as His son.
I guess I just have to be patient with it all.
… And of course not talk to myself about it…