Days like today make me want a wife. It started off well, but ended on a bad note and I came home to an empty apartment; no one to vent to. I don’t necessarily need a wife to vent to, I guess; a girlfriend to call would suffice. But even so, being alone just sucks sometimes. I don’t really hang out with my roommates all too often, but merely having them here in the same apartment is a comforting thing in itself. When they’re not here and I’m feeling lonely, that’s when marriage seems to make practical sense.
I don’t like writing about how much I truly desire a wife because it usually only increases the yearning. And then it turns to eagerness. And then it turns to desperation; I do not want to marry a girl out of desperation. That has emotional destruction written all over it. No, at this point in my life, I believe I’ll be married soon enough, but yet there are moments where I wish she was here already. She wouldn’t have to say anything at all; just someone to listen and bear with my venting about overpriced car maintenance or the hope of a better-paying job in the future. It’d just be nice.
In hindsight, my day wasn’t all that bad. I had a great morning Bible study with Tony, my pastor, and then I picked up my paycheck. But that’s about where it went south; not even twenty minutes after depositing my check, over two-thirds of it evaporated in a couple engine services from Oil Can Henry’s. There really wasn’t much I could do about either; basically my car was either going to blow its engine today or in a week from now if I didn’t get some things cleaned out. Realizing that it’d be riskier not to get the system flushes that I needed, I handed the guy my card and watched that fresh money go down the drain with the sludge clogging my car. It just sucked.
Usually after something as unfortunate as expensive car repair is, every little thing that could possibly annoy me does; a book I ordered is not yet available to me (even though the tracking system from FedEx says “Delivered”), I’m out of beer, and then the TV remote suddenly stopped working, so it was impossible for me to change the channel (the buttons on the side wouldn’t change the channel, either). Being alone with nothing to take my mind off my frustrations did not help at all.
As I’ve said elsewhere, being married means so much more than sex. It means having a companionship, an intimate friendship, and just not being alone anymore. Sure, there’ll be the days when we’ll need our one-on-one time with God, but aside from that, for the most part, there’ll always be someone else to work my schedule out with because I won’t be alone.
I’ve been thinking about marriage for the last couple days now, mostly because I watched the movie Hitch and felt inspired to throw myself out there for a girl (literally, if need be), but also because I’m just tired of having lots to say about nothing in particular, but yet no one to really say it to. I’ve got some close buddies, yes, and a grandpa who’s a constant chatter-box, but that’s not really what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is laying out on the couch, mindlessly flipping through TV channels (assuming the remote works), while wrapping my arms around a cute girl whose hair smells amazing. I’m talking about the only kind of friendship that goes beyond all other friendships; the kind of relationship that is second to one’s relationship with God; and the kind of existence that is no longer an “I,” but rather a “we.”
Trust me, I asked Santa for this for as long as I believed in him and I’ve been asking God for as long as I’ve been following Him and in all likelihood, I won’t find her under that mistletoe in my doorway (metaphorically speaking; I don’t actually have mistletoe hanging from my doorway… or do I? 😉 ). This type of friendship my heart craves is a kind of friendship that develops with time. She could be a girl I already know but haven’t yet seen in that context or she could be a girl who shakes up my world from the day that I meet her, I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that with as difficult as marriage will be for me, I’ll remember this day – with as “sucky” as it was (thanks Buddy the Elf) – to remind me of what I really long for and what I truly value from a woman; not her body, but her presence.
I guess at the end of the day, I feel like Adam when he was still naming animals. Eventually I’ll find my Eve, but probably not before I get done with writing down all those names. I don’t know what that looks like exactly in modern-day times, but I know it requires diligence, patience, and a constant, unwavering trust that when God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone,” He meant it.