Being Single Through Wedding Season…

I’ve never had a real girlfriend. Back in middle school there were a couple girls I “dated,” but let’s be honest; holding hands once or twice in a matter of five days isn’t really dating. Then in high school there was a girl I had “dated,” but there again, we only saw each other twice in the 6 days we were dating. And then she dumped me in a note during lunch.

For a single guy like me who struggles with how to even approach women, wedding season is pretty rough. Each newly-wed couple seems to have it all together; it just seems so easy for them to make things work. Sure, appearances aren’t everything. But they somehow got to the altar in the first place, didn’t they? They must be doing something right.

It frustrates me that I don’t know what that “something” is. Is it money? A six-pack? A bribe with lots and lots candy? I have no clue. In my world, it seems like every married man has some sort of secret knowledge that I don’t; like there’s some sort of code that I was supposed to learn in the fifth grade but didn’t because I was too busy playing with Legos. And every time I try to figure it out only leads to more and more frustration.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for all my friends who’ve recently gotten married (eight couples that I can think of this year, so far). But each time another couple of friends get married I can’t help but wonder why I’m still single. It often feels like I’m doing something wrong.

When I start to feel that I’m doing something wrong, I either give up altogether and try to live the single life permanently or I start to feel sorry for myself and believe that I’m not meant for marriage. Neither of these is a good attitude to have. No, I’m not saying living the single life is a bad thing; I’m saying that allowing yourself to be controlled by your frustration and/or depression is a bad thing. And unfortunately, I often struggle with both.

In First Corinthians 7, Paul actually does say that it is better not to marry – not to say it’s a sin to marry, but to say that one’s worries and concerns are far fewer unmarried than married. And I would love to buy into Paul’s words except one thing: I want a wife.

I want to hold her hand when we walk; I want to snuggle up together on cold nights; and I want to show her my two left feet on the dance floor. I want to laugh with her, cry with her, pray with her, and seek God with her. I want a wife not simply for the purpose of not being alone, but for the purpose of experience life intimately with a girl. I want to see what a walk with God looks like through her eyes.

I’ve expressed this before (and apparently can’t express it enough), but I don’t like to write these sorts of posts because it usually leads to the same thing: People disregarding what I have to say here and simply encourage me with sayings like “You’ll find her some day, buddy” or somebody tries to set me up with one of their friends. If I wanted that stuff, I’d join an online dating site. But I don’t want any of this to be manufactured; I want to meet her when and how God wants me to. No sooner. No later.

In the meantime, though, I’m left to find a way to press on through the wedding seasons. It isn’t so easy with all of what I want mixing with all of what I don’t know about relationships. That is, of course, if I don’t pay attention to the weddings I attend.

With how different one wedding can be from another, there is still at least one commonality: A deep, unspoken friendship between the bride and groom. Every man or woman I know who has gotten hitched this year has had such an intimate, quirky friendship with their spouse. This friendship doesn’t make them any less of themselves than what they were when they were single, but rather more of themselves. Some way, somehow, their spouse brings out every small thing that identifies them as them. For instance, Kevin VanLoo just married Kara Meeuwsen (now VanLoo) yesterday. Kevin has always been a goof ball, but when he’s around Kara, he’s even more of a goofball. And she loves him for it.

He’s also been every bit of a Godly man and, just like his goofiness, even more so when Kara’s around. Spouses aren’t meant for us to stay the same, but, by pursuing God together, make us into the best possible versions of ourselves.

For a single guy like me, all I can do at this point is sigh and continue to pursue God. Most importantly, though, I must pursue God as myself – not faking any part of it, but seeking to improve every part of it. If I’m to find a wife worthy of a life-long relationship, I’m going to want her to fall in love with who I really am, not who I pretend to be.

Congratulations to all those who have gotten married or are getting married this wedding season!

And for those single men and women like me: Press on to know the Lord!

God bless.

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Jeremy

Cherokee / Whovian / Sherlockian / Aspiring Auror / Lover of Jesus, Scripture, and creativity / MATS Student at George Fox Seminary.

2 thoughts on “Being Single Through Wedding Season…”

  1. I don’t want to be the person that says “hang in there”, especially as a married friend. It seems a little empty, though filled with good intentions.

    Honestly I think you’re exactly where God wants you to be. Like all of us longing for that next step in life (When we were younger it was to graduate from high school, when we’re single it’s to be married, myself it’s now children), you are struggling. Since God controls these things (and could give us whatever we wanted right away but doesn’t), I think He wants us to struggle. Struggles produce something in us that gives us an intimacy and maturity in Christ that achieving our even deepest desires couldn’t produce (maybe except those given to us after a great time of longing).

    “But I don’t want any of this to be manufactured; I want to meet her when and how God wants me to. No sooner. No later.” I think you nailed it. There is a time of a struggle, and a time of rest. Learn now what He has you learning, grow, “embrace the suck”. Because through that is coming a time of rest. Maybe it isn’t marriage, but rest assured that whatever it is, God will mold your heart and desires to it in time. It’s almost like the longing we have to go Home. It almost hurts at times knowing the trials waiting for us before that ultimate Rest comes, but we know we have to go through it, and we know that those trials make the Homecoming all the more sweet.

    There’s no pat answer that would make you feel better, except maybe to have encouragement that this time isn’t in vain. So “hang in there”, but more in the sense that you should hang in there and keep enduring through this race marked out for you. It seems like you’re doing a great job! Keep the faith friend!

  2. I struggle w the same thing brother!! Can’t wait for my wife (if I’ll ever get one) but want it on God’s terms not mine. Through the studies I have been in the only thing we can do is pray for her to come into our lives (in God’s will of coarse) and also for her life (if she is out there lol) and in the meantime do like u said and keep pursuing to be more like Jesus. I feel your pain though, altho I haven’t been to any weddings this summer so haven’t gotten it rubbed in my face lol keep ur faith brother n let’s hang and be single together! Ha! Love ya J Cush

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